A couple travelled all the way from Abuja to visit me in my Lagos office just to have my opinion over an argument between them. Each partner felt his or her point of view was the best and when it was obvious they ware no longer on talking terms as a result of this long heated dispute, they put a call to me and told me to expect visitors very soon. To be candid, I was also anxious to know the reason of their visit but at the end of the counselling session, the answer I gave them was simple, ‘Both of you are right; all that is needed here is a fair balance of view.’ I am sure you would love to know the bone of contention between them that was so important to warrant their flight all the way from Abuja to Lagos. Well, I was as amazed as you are and this just points to one thing, a good satisfying healthy sex is not only important; it is very central to a marriage union. It is, in reality, the icing on the cake of the bond.
The controversy is, should couples put on clothes during sex or should they be naked? The question here actually should not be a reason for contention because whichever way a couple chooses; both have their own advantages and disadvantages. But before we look into these advantages and disadvantages, please bear in mind that our culture, custom, tradition, influences, temperamental differences, individual belief system and level of exposure, education and information have greatly affected our view of sex, sexuality and lovemaking. So, no singular view is absolutely the right one but getting the best out of such situations is best for the couple’s sex bed.
‘No clothe on’ provides easy access to all the parts of the body of your lover which many partners would love to have. When couples are naked, the advantage is that they have a first hand, flesh to flesh access to each other’s body parts. And amazingly, our visible sex organs are actually the main issue of sexuality. You can feel and touch such organs and sexually devour them to your satisfaction. With this type of sex, you can discover some peculiar features, such as special birthmarks, uneven scrotum, breast, nipple shape, look, size and colouration which no other can have easy access to. You also have the special right to pay attention to how the naked body of your spouse responds to your different touches. For instance, with clothes off, the wife can watch how the skin of the scrotum of her husband coils in and out in response to her caressing which may not be visible with the clothes on. Or how the arteries of the erected penis slowly move around the penis to supply the necessary blood while the wife is kissing, cuddling, stroking, caressing the penis or while she is giving it a subtle blow-job. Clothes off the type of sex provide room for one of the desired sexual encounters which is a slow start type. Here, the kisses are deeper, bodies have been greatly massaged due to tantalizing caressing, the mind becomes more focused and hands are non-stop roaming to a progressive climaxing. The peak of this is not only that you both are bound to feel a wonderful sensation all over your bodies, but you are also more likely to feel a variety of sensational thrills you alone can explain. And above all, the thrusting and pressure are unobstructed, skin to skin while the penis travels far……..
Having sex with your clothes on is equally beautiful; it’s a variety. Sex with clothes on makes couples feel much naughtier than doing it totally naked. It first gives the whole encounter a more spontaneous, more forbidden, more erotic vibe. You can imagine the bra is not off from your wife’s breast and the nipples peeking out from the bra staring at you and begging to be kissed, touch and sucked [even with a sagged breast, the moment it is well-packaged, the nipples can do wonders]. How about the idea of your wife sitting recklessly opposite you with the intention of flashing her inner thigh on and off against a well-fitted skirt? Of course, the thigh will appear more desirable when it is partly hidden. Certain clothes have over the years been associated with certain activities. For instance, sex with your wife while still on her office suit can also be trilling as much as with sexy lingerie. To be continued next week, have a sex-filled week.
QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS
He does not want to do the right thing
Shortly after I got married to my husband, I was aware he had two kids with the former wife and he told me nothing was between them again. But that is funny because his ex-wife virtually lives with us under the guise of coming over to see her children. This has soured our sexual relationship beyond imagination. I somehow suspect he is making love to her under our roof, though he denies it even when he refuses to restrict the movement of the woman. She comes in and out at will. I’m not saying I’m a better person than [his ex-] or anything, but I’m his wife. Inside me, I feel she should stop coming. What can I do? I feel hurt and angry.
Mrs. Jubilee Jubril
It’s not unusual to feel betrayed by the turn of event in such a situation. From the study, many spouses may not be able to handle the issue of divorce with wisdom because, in the first place, divorce is not supposed to be part of human existence. Divorce is a very significant event in people’s life. While it may be tempting to ask your husband to drop contact with his ex, you may not have that right because of the children involved. The most logical thing here is not to take things personally. The truth is that the relationship may not always be about you and your husband alone. You can’t ask your husband’s ex to stop seeing your husband, but you can set appropriate boundaries. Remember that your husband’s relationship with his ex is definitely different from yours. People can be lousy marital partners and still be good parents, decent human beings, and good friends. Instead of worrying your head whether they are still being intimate, think of how you can develop a healthier bond with your husband and really win his heart for good. Think of the kids. Since he has a child with someone, he is always connected to that person either you like it or not, even after divorce. Your best bet is to focus on moving forward. If you’re dwelling on your mistakes and not fighting fairly to keep your marriage, you’re wasting your emotional energy on negative things and your sex bed will always suffer for it.
I think my husband is unusually big
My problem with sex is that the size of my husband’s penis puts me off. I virtually pray he does not ask for sex because sex with him is like undergoing a rape by two men because he is always hitting me so hard. The most challenging part of it is that he takes offence each time I bring up the subject, claiming that I am too self-centred. Honestly, after six years of marriage with four kids, I still bleed from pain of a big penis.
Mrs. Pabiozo Opera
Most times, many wives are not sure whether their husband’s manhood is too small or too big when in fact it is most likely an average size. For a non-erect penis, the average size into inches is between 5 and 6 while it increases between 7 and 9 inches or so when erect. It is important for both partners to understand that most of the nerve endings that contribute to the female pleasure and orgasm are located on the surface of the vulva and within the first two inches of the vaginal canal. Most wives aren’t that concerned about how big the size is if the man is concerned about maximum feminine pleasure. When it is so obvious his penis is really big, it is important not to have sex with some basic positions. Rather help your husband to lie on his side; while you lie perpendicular to him with legs spread as they rest over his body. This allows you to hold the base of his shaft if you want to limit his range of motion and reduce the hit on your cervix and allows you to use pelvic rocks to create an in-and-out sensation. Wives whose partners have “lengthy penises” especially love this position because they can control how much of him will penetrate them, and can create pleasurable sensations for both without the cramping and discomfort that can happen when he hits their cervix during intense thrusting. I am sure with this knowledge, there should not be bleeding during or after sex. But if and when after sex there is always a trace of blood, it could be related to abnormalities of the cervix, inside the uterus. If you’re bleeding after sex, especially if it happens more than once, see your doctor.
Why do men eat heavy food after sex?
Why do men eat heavy food after sex? I have been battling with excess weight but the more I have good sex, the more I eat and the more lines are added to my waistline. Even when I make a solemn declaration to stay off sex for at least a month, my wife is not helpful at all. Is there a way out Funmi?
Mr James Leery Jnr
Though this is not the same in all cases, heavy sex equals a heavy meal. It’s not peculiar to men alone, because sex is an exercise, a big workout that makes the body demand refuelling of energy. Sex is exercise if it was good sex. Women may also find themselves feeling hungry after intercourse, even craving specific foods.
How can I be a good lover?
I know I am a bad lover but last week, a friend introduced me to your column. Please how do I become a good lover to my wife?
Jeremiah Kulo
Ask for tips from her. When you ignore or don’t like your spouse to offer tips that can help the sex union, the impact can make you become a bad lover. It’s key for couples to tell their partners what they like or want sexually. An unspoken problem, preference can indirectly sour a relationship. Don’t avoid honest suggestions; be open to your lover’s suggestions. Listen and respect her ideas instead of getting mad or upset. Sex and sexuality evolve in every six months or so, I suggest checking on yourselves and making appraisal to prevent being labelled a bad lover. Ask her as follows, ‘Are we happy with our sex life? What should I add to it? Is there a big deal out there we haven’t talked about?’ It’s important to set a scene that’s non-interruptive and make sure you are not a distracted lover. A sign of good sex partner is to make sure you are totally in the moment, mind and body. Don’t answer phone calls during sex or be checking your email or sending texts. Don’t be a mommy who won’t lock the door. If your mind wanders, zero in on how you’re being touched or refocus on your breathing. If you’re totally still and silent, your partner can’t get much sense of what pleases you or whether they’re on the right track. Being a good lover is being a good communicator. Sexual pleasure requires balancing selfishness with unselfish giving. Don’t make love like an automatic pilot. Ready, set, kiss, touch here, a stroke there, and get in position… then finish. If your lover can predict your every move, you may both be missing out. Couples fall into a script pretty quick. They know what works. Use your words, your sounds, and your movements to help your partner know what you’d like more or less. Let yourself moan or sigh. Let your hips move. At the end of each sexual action, the question should be, did we have a good time?
